In trying to give myself a grounding for the year, I have decided to give myself a thematic word to circle back to. For 2023, it feels fitting to use the word: presence. Looking at the Merriam-Webster definition of the word, a few of it’s definitions called to me. I am words-lover, so definitions and everything about linguistics draws me in.
pres·ence ˈpre-zᵊn(t)s 1: the fact or condition of being present 4: one that is present: such as a.) the actual person or thing that is present, b.) something present of a visible or concrete nature 6: something (such as a spirit) felt or believed to be present
The biggest lesson I learned from 2022 was that in trying to do all of the things all at once, I wasn’t really there. Sure– I was doing them; but it was all so chaotic that the moments of enjoyment were fleeting. It was a constant pull of things to do, places to be, and an unnerving feeling like I was running out of time. In being a perfectionist, I didn’t want to settle. I didn’t want to admit that I was incapable of doing everything I wanted to. It was irritating that the people who loved me were right (namely, my husband) in that I needed to slow the fuck down.
Slowing down to me meant I wouldn’t be able to use the excuse of busy-ness to run away from my short comings and pit falls. I wanted to excel at everything I did (and I still do of course). What sucks about it all, is that I don’t feel like I “burned myself out”. The passion for all of the things I work so hard at is still there– being an engaged mom, a loving wife, homesteading/farming, coaching, running a nonprofit, creative writing, having an online business. In fact, I have more confidence in my ability to do all of those things than ever before. The difference is that I was able to take a step back and look logically at everything I want to do, and recognize that I can do all of those things, and that it’s okay that they don’t all happen at once.
My intentions were good- I wanted to build a successful organization, and try and keep some fun in my life. I obviously had to do well at work, and my reasoning behind all my fun extras was that taking care of my hobbies and interest was pouring into my cup so I could spill over and pour into others (they say you can’t pour from an empty cup). Had I just done those things, it would have probably been okay. But I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted to do all the things and have all the things without the actual physical time to dedicate myself to them.
And so, I pretty much crashed and burned in everything instead. Sure I survived, but the damage has been done on multiple fronts and it’s going to take some time to heal. Now I know that I can do everything I want to, but I have to have patience. I have to be realistic with what has to come first, and what can wait. Being an engaged mom and loving wife has to come first; it’s a non-negotiable. In 2022 I thought I could coast along in both of those things with minimal effort and I was so wrong. It’s heart breaking to think of the time I wasted with my favorite people in the world at the expense of trying to make progress for everything else.
Of course, I need to keep executing at my job. Lucky for me, I firmly believe I have the best job in the world. It’s in an industry I absolutely love, and has the flexibility I need in order to manage a young family. After that, comes the farm. It has been in my heart since I was a kid and the fulfillment I get from it when I allow myself the time to enjoy it is unmatched. Homesteading requires a certain level of patience, a pace much slower than I am used to operating at and one that I know will ground me if I let it.
After that, I know God will let the rest fall into place.
I’ve set some specific, measurable goals for myself for 2023 that I know I can achieve; it will take work but I am prepared for it! They center around being present in the areas of my life that matter most.
1,000 hours of activity with the children. Date night twice a month. One project with each animal.
I’ve seen goals of getting 1,000 hours outside; while that is all fine and dandy (and a good goal) I wanted to give myself a measurable number of engaged time with our kids. If I am being honest, it feels a little silly to write. But I am ignoring the little insecure voice inside my head and going with it, because I know that it means something to me. I get so caught up in cleaning, organizing, and playing catch up on all the things that come with having a busy young family that it is so easy to not prioritize fun time together. Sure, we are together as a family a lot, but so much of that is caught in the rut of the day-to-day. I want more time to just be present with each other; movie nights with hot cocoa and popcorn, games on an afternoon before dinner, seeing the sights, baking desserts and breads. Ideally, I will blow this number out of the water.
Tyler and I have always been fairly decent about carving out time for just us two, but just like everything else unless it’s normalized into your routine it’s quick to get brushed aside until you’re playing catch up all over again. Usually we manage to sneak away on a vacation together and it does us absolute wonders. I know he is going to be on board with managing at least twice a month to go out and do something together, whether it’s just to grab a quick drink in town for an hour or a full on special event. In fact our first “date” ever was grocery shopping, so we both know all to well that the date doesn’t need to be fancy to be meaningful!
We have quite the variety of animals on our little farm, and I want to get myself involved with each other them. Rebel is the Dutch-Galloway cross that we brought home from the MN Zoo last summer, and he is just the light of the farm for me! I took him for countless walks while it was warm, about once a day or at least a few times a week. We would snuggle in his pen with his head in my lap, and it was a quiet form of therapy. As the weather turned and my work season got crazier, he grew bigger and bigger and needed more training that I couldn’t do by myself without risking him and myself due to his size. Though I still give him lots of chin scratches and sneak him extra corn, I want to get him back to being halter trained enough where I can handle him even as he continues to grow!
Then we brought home two sheep also from the MN Zoo, and they are absolutely hysterical! I got into knitting a few years ago while I was pregnant with Luci, but struggled with keeping up on it. I would love nothing more than to be able to use the wool from our own sheep to knit something! I’ll have to do some investigating on how to clean their wool, process it, and then of course re-teach myself how to knit successfully.
Our piggies we have now are a bit different than our first two that we had, both in breed and in temperament. Our first two purebred Mangalitsa pigs were so friendly and loved scratches and being brushed (though they would sometimes nibble your feet). These ones are a bit more skittish, so I would love to have them be a little more trusting for scratches. That, and I want to render more lard from the pigs we do process into pork. I’ve used what we have from our first two and it is next freaking level for baking– I want to render more of it and have it available to sell.
Which brings me to the last animal on our farm, our chickens. We of course sell eggs (and use plenty ourselves), but I’d love to see us have an active stand at our local farmers markets to help get our Livestock Company’s name out there (Liberty Livestock Co) a bit more. If I could sell the eggs, the rendered lard, bone broths, and maybe even some yarn I would be really crushing it! Of course, with farmer’s market season being in just five months I know it’ll be a bit of a stretch. That being said, I would love to make solid progress on getting these products as close to sale-ready as possible.
There you have it my friends, my heart and soul of my goals for myself in 2023. Bring on the New Year!